C h o o s e y o u r o w n b a c k g r o u n d c o l o r

Jokes Page Nine

A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her. He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good-looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son."
The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don`t mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?"
"So she could love you, my son."
The supervisor from the Brewery knocks at the home of
Paddy's wife to tell her some bad news, "Ma'am, your
husband's been killed in an accident at work".
"Oh my God, how did it happen" she asks.
"He was climbing a ladder, and slipped, and fell into a
vat of beer and drowned."
"How horrible, it must have been an agonizing death," she
sobs.
"Well I wouldn't say exactly agonizing," said the foreman,
"He managed to get out three times to go to the restroom."
A blond was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blond. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blond thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blond comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"
The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"
The blond tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"
A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?
"Why sure you can." her grandfather replied.
As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"
"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."
The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please please MAKE a sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, her granddad says, "Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"
And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"
Father talking to his son:
"Son, you should never lie. One lie begets another lie, then another lie, and before you know it, you are a lawyer."
A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and urinates down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie biscuit which he starts to offer to Fido.
A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, "Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just urinated all down the leg of your pants?"
"Yes, I'm trying to break him of this dreadful habit", replies the blind man.
"Well, it's none of my business," says the onlooker, "but you're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit!"
To which the blind fellow chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his rear end!"
Two young blonde women are sitting at a bar in such an obviously celebratory mood that the bartender drifts over intending to offer them a drink on the house. When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 17 days!"
Smiling, the bartender says, "Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?"
Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!"
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "what are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky, you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you dummy!" Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach."I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or I'll kick your rear end!"
The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've got a lot of guts!"
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.
The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.
"Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."
A man is standing alone in the woods and he says something.
If there is no woman there to hear him speak, is he still wrong?
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!"
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50
Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."
Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The Programmer, now some what agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"
This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.
Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50.
The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.
The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?"
Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
A very very rich gentleman dies,leaving his fortune to his only living
friends, a Doctor, a CEO, and a Lawyer.
But being the eccentric he was, his will stipulated that each one must
place their third of the money in his coffin before he is put in his
final resting place.
The funeral comes and goes.
Over a year later the three friends are talking over lunch and the
topic of the old man and his strange ways comes into the conversation.
The Doctor finally says "I have to be honest, I didn't place ALL of
the money into his coffin, I kept five million".
Then the CEO states "Well, I have to admit that I too kept some of the
cash. Ten million to be exact".
The Lawyer glares at the two and says "I am ASHAMED of you two, I
wrote a check for the FULL amount!"
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, saying "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the difference between boys and girls," and would his mother,"please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
So johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom,and closes the door.
- first, johnny, I want you to take off my blouse.
So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
- ok, now take off my skirt...
And he takes off her skirt. - now take off my bra.
Which he does.
- and now, johnny, please take off my panties.
And when johnny finishes removing those, she says,
"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear my clothes to school any more!"
A sailor and a marine are taking in a public restroom. The marine finishes first and washes his hands.
The sailor just walks to the exit.
So the marine says to him: hey, in the marines they teach us to wash our hands after going to the bathroom.
The sailor says: yeah well, in the navy they teach us to not go on our hands.
Q.) Did you hear about the new Bill Clinton golf ball?
A.) Your guaranteed a good lie!
Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father.
One boy said, "My father is better than your father."
The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother."
The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My fathers says the same thing."
Q.) Why were Hellen Keller's ankles yellow?
A.) Her dog was blind too.
Q.) What do you call a gay milkman?
A.) The Dairy Queen!
Three men got shipwrecked on an island.
Then they got captured by savage natives.
The native king approached the first man and said "We are going to torture you and kill you, then use your skin on a canoe.
Before we start you may have one last wish"
The man replies "Give me a knife" he then screams out "You'll never torture me" and kills himself by stabbing his chest with knife.
The second man replies "Give me a knife" he then screams out "You'll never torture me" and kills himself by stabbing his chest with knife.
The third man replies " Give me a fork."
The kings asks "Don't you mean a knife?"
The man insists on a fork. he then screams out "You'll never use my skin as a canoe" and repeatedly stabs himself with the fork.
A man owned a large dog, and his neighbors little girl owned a pet rabbit. One day the man comes home and is greeted by his dog with the lifeless body of the rabbit in his mouth, all full of mud and dirt.
After lecturing his dog on the evils of his ways, the man tries to come up with some way of making it easier for the little girl. He figures the best he can do is make it look as if the rabbit died a peaceful death.
He takes the dead rabbit into his house, cleans the fur up, blow-drys it so the rabbit is fluffy', and sneaks the body back into the rabbit cage in the neighbors garden.
Two hours later, the man hears a loud shriek from the little girl and runs outside.
As he sees the state the child is in, he thinks to himself how much worse it would have been without his making the death scene more sympathetic.
When he asks the little girl what was wrong, she says "My rabbit died"
The man explains to her that all animals must die, and that the rabbit is in a happier place now.
"But he died last night, we buried him in the garden...and now he is back in his cage!"
Little Johnny was sitting in a classroom and the teacher asked the class,"Can anyone use the word sensuous in a sentence?"
Little Johnny was the first to raise his hand so The teacher called on him.
He replied,"My daddy used that word last night; he said Honey, sens-uous up, get me a glass of water.

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