Jokes Page Eight

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"

"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that stuck to it was a second $100 bill.

Immediately the ethical question arose in the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:

"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"

The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man."

The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"

"Lawyer: An individual whose principal role is to protect his clients from others of his profession."

First lawyer: "You're an unmitigated liar."
Second lawyer:"You're a lowdown cheat."
Judge: "Now that the lawyers have identified themselves, let us proceed."

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.

�If I lose this case, I�ll be ruined.�

�It�s in the judge�s hands now,� said the lawyer.

�Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?�

�Oh no! This judge is a stickler of ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn�t even smile at the judge.�

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, �Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!�

�I�m sure we would have lost the case if you�d sent them.�

�But I did send them.�

�What?? You did???�

�Yes. That�s how we won the case.�

�I don�t understand,� said the lawyer.

�It�s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff�s business card.�

Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house at the Bronx Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over the place.

Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can�t get them back in their cages. Finally he says, �Quick, call a lawyer!�

�A lawyer? Why??�

�We need someone who speaks their langauge!�

Father talking to his son:
"Son, you should never lie. One lie begets another lie, then another lie, and before you know it, you are a lawyer."

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall it's series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?

People were confused about which side to spit on.

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Forget him, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, to Dublin."

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"

Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Manager: "Simple. The American put down on question # 5, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'"

An elderly man by the name of Mr. MacIntosh was laying on his deathbed, with his son at his bedside.

The old man said suddenly, "It's time! Send for the Minister."

The dying man said, "The Minister! Dad, I think you mean the priest. We are devout Catholics."

"Get the Minister! Get the Minister!" the dying man repeated agitatedly.

"Dad, your illness must be affecting your mind," the son replied, patting his father on the shoulder. "I will call the priest."

The old man insisted, "If you have ANY love for your father, you will do as I have asked."

So, reluctantly, the son did his father's bidding, and soon thereafter, the Minister arrived and converted the old man to the Protestant faith. Moments later, the parish priest knocked on the door.

The son said, "Father, I am afraid you are too late. The Minister has already been here."

The priest rushed over to the old man's beside and he asked in dismay, "HOW could you do it? WHY did you do it?"

The old man looked up and replied, "Well, Father, I figured that if someone had to die, better one of them than one of us."

Once an Italian, a Pole and a Czechoslovakian went camping.
While they were sleeping two giant bears came along and ate them all.
The rangers came and found the torn up camp site. Then they saw the bears. They shot the bears and cut open the female. In the bear they found the Italian and the Pole.
One ranger said to the other "where's the Czechoslovakian?"
The other ranger said: "the Czech's in the male."

Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grew wide and she barked, "What did you say?"
"A prostitute!" Sheila repeated.
Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and said, "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant"

In Canada they have two Seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.

There were the Scots
Who kept the Sabbath
And everything else they could lay their hands on.

Then there were the Welsh<
Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.

Thirdly there were the Irish
Who never knew what they wanted
But were willing to fight for it anyway.

Lastly there were the English
Who considered themselves a self-made nation
Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.

Several churches were holding revival services. The leader was a Baptist and proud of his denomination.

"How many Baptists are here?" he asked on his first night of the revival.

All except one little lady raised their hands.

"Lady, what are you?" asked the minister.

"I'm a Methodist," meekly replied the lady.

"Why are you a Methodist?"

"Well, my grandparents were Methodists, my mother was a Methodist, and my late husband was a Methodist."

"Well," retorted the leader, "just supposing all of your relatives had been morons. What would that have made you?"

"Oh, I see. A Baptist, I suppose."

What do you call an Asian Girl with one legg shorter than the other?

Irean!!!

Q.) How do you make an Asian blind?

A.) Put him behind a windshield.

The eye doctor says to the Asian woman: "I'm sorry ma'am, you have a cataract"

And she replies, "No I don't! I have a Rincoln Continentol!"

A gameshow was being held in which the contestants consisted of an Texan, an Arkansan, and an Oklahoman. The host told them what to do: "I have a sentence: 'Old MacDonald had a ....' now you have to tell me what word goes in that blank, and to gain full points you have to spell that word too." So they all thought for awhile.
Then the Texan hit the buzzer. "I know!" he said, "Old MacDonald had a RANCH R-A-N-C-H!"
The host said "Sorry, that's the wrong answer, anyone else?"
Then the Oakie hit the buzzer. "I know!" he said, "Old MacDonald had a RANCH, W-R-E-N-C-H!"
The host said "Sorry, that's another wrong answer."
Then the Arkie hit the buzzer. "I know!" he said, "Old MacDonald had a FARM, E-I-E-I-O!"

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"