|
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD USA, they decided to sent it to President Clinton.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. President Clinton thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD;
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for
some reason you had to send it through Washington and, as usual, they
took $95.00 off the top.
Love, Timmy
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer. Unfortunately, he mistyped the address and the E-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the widow of a recently deceased minister.
The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promtly fainted. When her family finally revived her and asked her what had happened, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee! She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in her cup.
Puzzled, she asked "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson answered "Grandma, it says on TV, The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the thing around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just lazy."
"Okay,"said the man."Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife"
A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."
To which the boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"
An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off."
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!", remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?", the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook.."
An intelligence challenged woman takes her first cruise on an ocean liner and in the morning she calls the purser. " I can't get out of my room " she said.
" Did you pull hard on the door?" he asked.
"Well, there are three doors" the blonde replied, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet and the other has a sign on it that says DO NOT DISTURB"
A little boy is watching TV in the den and his father is reading a newspaper in the living room. He hears a tapping on the other side of the paper, and looks to discover his son there.
The boy asks, "Daddy, is it true that the stork brings babies?
He answers, "Yes son it's true."
Satisfied, the boy returns to the TV.
A few minutes later he hears a tapping again, and sees his son.
The little boy asks, "Is it true that God helps those who help themselves?"
He answers, "Yes son it's true."
Satisfied, the boy returns to the TV.
A few minutes later he hears a tapping a third time, and sees his son yet again.
The little boy asks, "Daddy is it true that God gives us our daily bread?"
He answers, "Yes son it's true."
The little boy looks puzzled, and stands there a minute before he finally asks, "Daddy, what do we need you for?"
A woman gets on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what's your name?"
"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.
The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."
The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?"
"My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."
An elderly man goes into the confessional and tells the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two eighteen year old girls. I did it twice with each of them!"
The priest replies, "Well my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So why are you telling me?" asks the priest.
"Are you kidding," exclaims the old man, "I'm telling everybody!"
Did you hear about the chinease couple that had a black baby?
They called him Sum Ting Wong.
I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
There was a Packers fan with a really lousy seat in the bleachers. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?"
The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan."
The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
A blonde received a brand new sports car for her birthday. While driving she cut off the driver of a tractor trailer. The incensed driver motioned to blonde and told her to pull over to the side of the road.
When the blonde pulled over, the truck driver pulled in behind her and marched over to her car. He took a piece of chalk from his pocket and drew a circle on the road. He yelled at the blonde and said, "Do not step outside of the circle."
Then, the truck driver got inside her car and proceeded to cut her leather seats to shreds. When he turned to the blonde, she had a slight smirk her face. "You think that's funny? Well, watch this..."
Then, the truck driver proceeded to get a bat from his truck and then smashed her front windshield to pieces. At that point, the blonde began laughing. "You think that's funny, too? Well, just you wait..."
Then, the truck driver took a pocket knife from his pocket and sliced the blonde's tires on her car. The blonde laughed so hard that she could barely stand up. "You think that's hilarious, don't you? Well, now you're gonna get it..."
Next, the truck driver took a gas can from the rear of his truck and proceeded to torch her car. When he turned to the blonde, she was on the ground, laughing out of control. "I don't get it," said the truck driver. "What's so funny? I just destroyed your brand new sports car, and your laughing like a fool."
The blonde replied, "When you weren't looking, mister, I stepped outside the circle four times!"
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on Pat?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again.
One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!"
Two atoms are walking down the street...
Then the one says to the other.
1st-Hey I've Just lost an electron
2nd-Are you sure??
1st-Yes I'm positive...!!!!!
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
Dear Wife....I'm sending you this email to bring up to date on
the events of our family. I tried to talk to you while you were on
your computer, but you just kept telling me that you would BRB.....
whatever that means. So, I decided to send you this email.
John Jr. cut his first tooth today. He's the one you bounce
on your knee while typing. Remember how he giggles when he hears
the Ut Oh sound? Sorry about him dropping his peanut butter sandwich on
your keyboard. Is it working okay since I cleaned it up for you?
Can you read the letters I tried to paint back on your keyboard? Most of
them had been rubbed off.
Susie had her first date Saturday night. She had a good
time and said to thank you for letting them use your car. She put
the keys back on the key rack underneath the cobwebs where she found them.
Do you realize that she wears the same size clothes as you do? In
case you've forgotten her,
she's the one who has you raise your feet when she's running the sweeper.
Tim is playing football. He looks forward to going to school
now that he has a sport to play. He wanted to know if you would come
to one of his games if we bought you a laptop to bring along? Do
you remember him? He's the one who empties your porta potty for you.
Lets see.....since the last time I wrote you (3 months ago), the refrigerator
had to be replaced, the dog died from old age, your mother and dad
painted the room where your computer is (hope you like the color), the
church has a new pastor, the President has been impeached, and oh yes.....
I have a new job.
Well, I think that's about it. I'll email you again in
about 3 months. You take care of yourself honey. We all "miss"
you very much and will see you the next time the power goes off!
Love,
Your Husband
An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem: "I pass gas all the time, Doctor Johnson, but it's soundless, and without odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've passed gas no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office: "Doc, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm passing gas just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
Lena passed away and Ole called 911.
The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Ole replied, "At da end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
Ole thought for a minute and said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der"?
Have you heard about the new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.<
He responded, "Sure, You carry the suitcases!"
Mark enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he tells the bartender to give him another double martini. After he finishes that one, again he peeks inside his shirt pocket and has the bartender bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long, but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm looking at a picture of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money,
and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place,
you either married it or gave birth to it.
|
[email protected]
Go to Index Page