Jokes Page Fourteen

A newly ordained preacher and his young wife were talking about being more considerate of each other. The good wife promised that she would stop being so critical of his sleep-inducing sermons. He, in return, promised to honor her privacy and stop looking through her dresser drawers.

The preacher was true to his word, and never looked through his wife's dresser drawers; the good wife was never openly critical of her husband's sermons; and their marriage progressed smoothly.

After 50 years, their children gave a great party to celebrate the golden anniversary of the preacher and his wife. Many people came to congratulate the happy couple, and brought lovely gifts.

That evening, as they were putting the gifts away, the preacher saw that his wife had left one dresser drawer slightly open. He tried as hard as he could to withstand the temptation, but he finally opened the drawer and looked inside. There he found 3 eggs, and $10,000.00, in bills of varied denominations. He was greatly puzzled by this, and went to question his wife.

"Oh," she said. "Well, you remember when we spoke of being more considerate with each other all those years ago?"

The preacher, feeling profoundly guilty, answered "yes."

"Well," she continued, "I promised to stop criticizing your boring sermons, but every time you gave a sermon that was a real snoozer, I put an egg into that drawer."

The preacher smiled. "Well, that's not so bad. 50 years of sermons and only 3 eggs! But what about all that money?"

His wife quietly responded, "Every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them."

The bathroom scale manufacturer was very proud of the new model being introduced at the trade fair.

"Listen to these features: it's calibrated to one-one-hundredth of a pound; it can measure your height as well, in feet or meters; it gives you a readout via an LED or human-voice simulator; and that's not all..."

"Very impressive," interrupted a none-too-slender sales rep for a chain of home furnishings stores, "but before I place an order I'll have to try it out."

"Be my guest," said the manufacturer graciously.

No sooner had the sales rep taken his place on the scale than a loud, very human-sounding voice issued forth, "One at a time, please, one at a time!"

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,

"Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...

They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...

I must be a God!

A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing,

To which the boy replied, yes he did, dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.

A Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it on the altar. 'And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times,' said the teacher.

'Now, said the teacher, 'can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?'

A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand and said, 'To make the gravy?'

The crumbling, old church building needed re-modeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest may in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."

He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"

This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

A United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."

"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted.......

"--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."

The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."

The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather for the remaining of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "My radio is broken."

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

A man was ordered by his doctor to relax in Florida for a month to recover from a tricky operation. Unfortunately, he died there in the third week. The body was shipped back home.

At the funeral parlor, the widow was given an advance viewing by the director. "Doesn't he look wonderful?" he said.

"Yes," agreed the widow. "I think those weeks in Florida did him a world of good."

The owner of an old-fashioned corner grocery store in a small country town was fond of quoting a scripture after each sale. He had three old friends that would sit around a pot-bellied stove, playing checkers on a faded board. His ability to produce a scripture for all occasions never ceased to amuse the old timers, and they would listen to see what verse he would come up with relevant to the sale made.

A lady purchased some material and he said, "She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands."

A man bought a sack of flour; he said "Man does not live by bread alone, but every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God."

A little boy bought some candy and as he rung it up he quoted, "Suffer the little children to come unto Me."

It was nearly closing time when the chimes over the door jangled loudly. A well dressed young man, obviously a stranger from one of the larger towns down the road, entered.

"Help you?" offered the proprietor.

"I need a blanket for my horse," said the man. "He's out in his trailer and it's too cold for just one. Bring me the nicest one you've got!"

The store owner went in the back store room and came back with a brown blanket. "That'll be five dollars."

"Five dollars? You've got to be kidding!' said the man. "This horse is a thoroughbred. He gets only the best! He wouldn't stand still for an old five dollar blanket."

Without comment, the store owner took back the blanket, then merely selected a different color and brought it out. "This one's $25 dollars."

"Now, look," said the young man. "Perhaps I didn't make myself plain. This isn't just any old horse! He's worth thousands! Now I want the best, most expensive blanket you've got! Comprende?"

The owner once more went into the store room, pulled out another color of the same material and brought it back. "This is the only one left, and it's $100."

"Now that's more like it!" enthused the fellow as he paid. Throwing the five dollar blanket over his shoulder, he left.

The old timers stared silently at the shopkeeper as they waited to see what possible scripture he could come up with for that sale! Going behind the register, he rung up the hundred dollars and said, "He was a stranger, and I took him in."

Grandma and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

Albert Einstein arrives at a dinner party. He introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man answers, "241."

"That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!"

Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What's your IQ?" The lady answers, "144."

"That is great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to another person and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man answers, "51."

Albert responds, "How 'bout them Cowboys?"

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team.

"Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.

The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The preacher paused for a brief moment and then replied; "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."

The man said, "No problem."

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair - try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all.

He then said, "I have one more pair. Try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."

With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."

Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of Little Johnny's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "Johnny, for pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

Jane was making pancakes for breakfast for her two sons Bobby age seven and Ryan age five. The boys got in a terrific argument over who was going to get the first pancakes. It grew loud and rowdy.

Jane saw this as a teaching opportunity so she quieted the boys and said. "Now boys, do you know what Jesus would do? He would say "Give the first pancakes to others." The boys listened carefully as she spoke.

Bobby turned to Ryan and said: "Ryan you be Jesus."

Every year, Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair. And every year, Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year, Martha would reply, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. "

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed, and up they went.

The pilot performed all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He even does a nose dive, pulling up at the last minute. Still no sound from them. Finally He gives up and lands. Once they were on the ground He tells the old Man, "I've got to admit it You made it without saying a word, so the ride was free."

Stumpy said, " Well, I almost said something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

In the first Freshman English class of the semester, the professor stated "Let us establish some examples about opposites. Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"Fine. And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"

"Elation," she replied with a smile.

"Very good. And you, Mr. Cates, what is the opposite of woe?"

"I believe that would be 'giddy up'".....

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "Means carrying a child."