Jokes Page One

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"

"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."

One day little Johnny came up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did I come from?"

Dad squirmed a bit, but thought it was time his son knew the facts of life. So, Dad told his son how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As Dad told the story, his son's eyes got wider and wider.

When Dad was finished, his son said, "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Billy told me. He said that he came from Philadelphia."

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'."

A guy is cutting down a tree with a chainsaw while his friend watches. Suddenly he slips and cuts his friend's head clean from off of his shoulders. They both work for the government so the guy reports the accident to his foreman.

The foreman says, "Well somebody's going to have to tell his wife."

The guy replies "I feel a bit guilty so I'll go."

The guy turns up at the wife's house, but so she would know he wasn't some kind of sick hoaxer he takes the decapitated head with him. Holding the head by the hair behind his back he knocks on the door.

A woman opens the door. "Yes?"

"Excuse me," says the guy "Does your husband work for the

Forestry Commission?" "Yes" says the woman.

"Does he have black hair and a black beard?"

"Yes"

"And a scar down his left cheek?"

"Yes, that's him" says the woman.

"Well is this him?" says the guy, pulling the head from behind his back.

"No," says the woman.

"No?" says the guy, surprised.

"He's a lot taller than that."

The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."

"I don't think I'll be going there," the boy said.
"You don't even know your way to the post office."

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.

There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the pearly gates together.

"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, "Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix a place up for them. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one."

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

Two days later...

"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope guy is forgiving everybody, the Graham fellow is saving everybody, and Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."

Little Johnny was lay on a hill in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God.

"God? Are you really there?" Johnny said out loud.

To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Johnny? What can I do for you?"

Seizing the opportunity, Johnny asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?"

Knowing that Johnny could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Johnny could relate. "A million years to me, Johnny, is like a minute."

"Oh," said Johnny. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?"

"A million dollars to me, Johnny, is like a penny."

"Wow!" remarked Johnny, getting an idea. "You're so generous... can I have one of your pennies?"

God replied, "Sure thing, Johnny! Just a minute."

Three monks were meditating in the Himalayas to be away from the maddening crowds.

One year passed in silence and the first monk said, "Pretty cold here."

Another year passed in silence and the second one said, "You know, you're quite right."

Another year passed and the third one said, "Look, I'm gonna quit unless you two stop complaining!"

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom wearing black?"

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a rabbi are discussing what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are on display in open caskets.

Priest: "I would like someone to say 'He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous.'"

Minister: "I would like someone to say 'He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners.'"

Rabbi: "I want someone to say 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!'"

An usher at a movie theater notices a customer laying across three seats near the back of the theater. He tells the customer that he can only take up one seat.

The customer just moans and rolls his eyes.

The usher goes to get his supervisor who also tells the customer he must only take one seat or he will call the police.

Once again the customer just moans and rolls his eyes.

The supervisor calls the police, who come and tell the customer that he has been told by the usher and the manager to sit up and that he can only take up one seat. "What's wrong with you?" they ask.

The customer just moans and rolls his eyes.

The police officer asks the man "Where did you come from?"

The man lifts a hand in the air, and says "the balcony"...

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said: "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'."

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

"It opens at noon," answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered.
"Whenjoo shay the bar opens at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait to get in, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.

After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

"America," the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States."

"Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?" "Yes." she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered..... "I'll give you 100 camels for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "she's not for sale."

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

There were two men at a doctor's office one day. The first man looked over at the second and says, "What are you here for, mister?"

The second man looks over at his new found friend and replies, "Well, I'm here to be circumcised."

The first man turns his head to make an awful face as he thought of the extreme pain, then returns to face the second man. "Well, buddy. I was about two or three days old when I had that done to me..."

"Really?" inquired the second man, growing nervous as he continued.

"Yeah," he replied. "I couldn't walk for a year."

Somewhere in the USA, next to a small mid-western university, there is a old Indian reservation, and it is said that on that reservation there lives an old man who has never ever forgotten anything in his life.

One weekend night, a few students are hanging out in the university, when one of them mentions the story of the old Indian man in the reservation. They all seem to believe it except for one Guy, Jack. He starts arguing with them about it, and they all decide to go check it out.

As soon as they drive in to the reservation they see the old man, he is sitting cross legged in a heap on the side of the road, unbelievably small and wrinkled. They stop the car and step out. The old man looks up at them, smiles, and says: "How."

They all stammer back "How" and stand there unsure of what to do next. Jack then takes the initiative, steps forward and says: "excuse me old man, but can I ask you a question?"

"Sure" replies the old man calmly.

So Jack asks: "Is it true that you never ever forget anything?"

"Yes it is" replies the old man.

"OK then, what did you have for breakfast the first Tuesday after your 14th birthday?" Jack asks with a smirk on his face.

"Eggs!" says the old man without hesitation.

Jack was not impressed, he says to his friends: "this is bull, either this guy always has eggs for breakfast or he's just lying. Come on, lets get out of here", and they jump in the car and drive off.

A couple of years later Jack graduates with honors, gets a very good job. About ten years after that he gets married, and later has three wonderful kids as the years fly by.

About four decades later, it is finally time for Jack to retire. He packs all his things from his office and is driving home from work for the last time, when he sees a sign on the side of the road that reads, "INDIAN RESERVATION - NEXT EXIT."

With a shock he realizes that it is the same Indian Reservation where the old man lived years ago, and he wanders if the man has managed to survive all this time. So he drives in to the place, and sure enough, sitting on what appears to be exactly the same spot as forty some years ago, is the old man.

He looks even tinier and more wrinkled than before. Jack steps out of the car, and goes up to the man. The man looks up and smiles. Jack smiles back, nods his head in respect and says: "How!"

"Scrambled!" Replies the old man.

A Kentucky Judge once had a case in which the defendant was accused of kicking another citizen in the stomach. The defense argued that there was no real evil intent.

When the defendant took the stand, the prosecutor shouted at him, "How in the world can you possible say that you delivered this terrific kick in the stomach without intending to?"

"Well..." the defendant replied, "He just turned around too darn quick, that's all."

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered. Mr. Benson looked out the window and screamed, "Good Lord! One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over. Suddenly, the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet a second engine exploded. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order.

Standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed to calm most of the passengers, and they sat down as the pilot walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

"Yep," affirmed the pilot.

"But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

The man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.

He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He turns beat red in horror and goes, "Jeez, oh, er...I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"

The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"

The brother replied, "Denephew."